I know my fingers have been taking an unreasonably longer nap since past couple of weeks. Even I didn’t feel exigency to intervene in their slumber, until this morning. Three rugged, important years I just passed through with a certitude that even though the path seems a bit hellish to walk on, yet I have the benevolent and conscientious people beside me who will never let me down. But now it seems they are no longer my amigos. The hell with them, I don’t care if their feelings transformed and went into some kinda meander. But I do really care for the feelings of those whom I am related to the same blood. Yes I’m talking about my parents.
This early morning, I faintly sensed my dad gently touching my forehead, while I was asleep. I expressed surprise, yet glad I was within. With curiousness, my lips murmured in an almost inaudible voice, “Dad, is this you?” No answer came, for I thought my utterance didn’t reach his ears. I smiled and this time, with a little higher pitch, I said, “I know its you dad. I love you.” Slightly I opened my eyes and that dream vanished as if it was waiting to be scooted off. A silent tear rolled out of my foggy eyes. It’s been a long time, since my father even talked to me. He thinks I’m no longer a matter of proud, like I was before. I know it’s quite thorny to answer folks when they ask about his son’s work or his achievements lately, which are none. The nearly same worries might occur in mom’s head when she sits with the neighbour ladies on a sunny afternoon, who know nothing but bringing down others with their harsh yet unavoidable questions. Despite that, at least she talks to me without conferring on me her ignominy. I can read her face full of conundrums.
I have failed in a lot of things in my life, except one thing. I didn’t stop living. It’s really painful for me to control my eyes from shedding tears when sometimes from the closed door, I listen to my parents talking in my absence. They often talk about their agony of having a son like me. I know they love me and that I will believe always. But, they are getting hurt by my failures. Sometimes, I give a thought to suicide. I even gave it a try by sitting on the tracks hoping for a train to squash me. But then my father’s prestige comes to my mind. My suicide can bring his whole image down to soil; so I can never do that.
My sisters, on the other hand, are too busy with their maternalistic lives that they don’t even give a damn about what’s happening in their younger brother’s life. I remember my mom used to say that an elder sister is like a good friend, and more precisely a mother in herself. But, both of my sisters failed to fit in any of these definitions. Still, I respect them. Rather than staying in touch with them and giving them stronger reasons to make a place in my bad books, I ended contact with them and kept them in my memory bank as my genuinely loveable sisters of childhood.
Sometimes, I hope for a mishap with me, resulting in either a permanent departure or a state of mind which can’t feel anything. I think that might give me a favour by making a space for me in the hearts of all my near and dears. That might give them some understanding that all I wanted in my life was their love and care.
I am drowning in my endless thoughts. I know it’s so hard to escape now. I am burdened today and I was burdened yesterday. Even in the recent past, when I fell down of stairs, I rather opted to stay quiet, clutching the lips between my teeth and to sit there a while, pressing, rubbing and covering the knee wounds, than calling some one for help. I know what wounds are hard to live with. I know if I had called for help, they would have brought handful of band-aids and a lot of humiliations, which I can’t bear anymore. For the sake of endearment, If you can’t help me stand on my feet, then don’t push me back.
Speaking in all sincerity, I badly want to live more. Toh kya hua, if I had seen more failures than the applauds. Life is allotted to every person just once. I do wanna live it more. I do wanna give it my best shot. I wanna hear those applauds. I just want their support. Nothing more. I will do something great someday. I wanna kiss that contentment, happening after I do that. I’m grateful to my dear lord for this life. I will make it happier by my own karma. I am here to spread love, which I think, I am pretty much good at. And rahi baat failures ki… I will surely win. Not today, but soon enough. At least, I’m not aimless like most of the folks. I have a soul which burns, desires, works and is worthy to achieve success. The time is not with me today. But tomorrow, it will be in motion on the rolex on my wrist. I may not be a good son so far, if the world thinks so, but I will be an idol for millions soon. All this can happen, if I don’t give up living. So…… I will live. A life inspiring optimism for the future. And, a Life full of gratification.
See you soon.. My fingers have roused from a deep sleep. 😉
“You have said such a moronic thing, that can’t be unheard now. Are you out of your freaking mind? Seriously, you should think, a hundred times, before blasting off such things. You could have shot me with anything, but these words. Don’t you know that your words were more harmful than a bullet? A bullet can just…”
“Don’t cut me, you mindless nerd !!”
“But… seriously, you can’t remember because that night, you got really blotto and it was very freezing outside.”
“Silly ! I don’t drink that much to Cut off my own nose to spite this face, got it? Now, you listen to me very carefully. I don’t know any single word you said. I want you to just get rid of that thing or cut me loose.”
“Baby, I can’t leave you, in my dreams even. Okay, we’ll go and find a doctor tomorrow.”
“Not we. It’s just you alone! Call me, once you get cleared of that plague, you’re carrying. Good bye and good luck…”
Here I am getting goosebumps, just by envisioning the agony of that girl, whom her love of life, just asked to end her hopes to have a little one, born in her own womb. A silent tear rolls out my face, in this heaviness of heart. I’m sure, any sensible person can feel this. It’s not the case of any remote girl, but it’s something happening in every 3rd chamber, around the world. We cease to give thought to the feelings of that girl. Rather, we try to form opinions about her. Seriously, “that’s us”. Okay, let me tell you something about what must be cropping up in the brain of that innocent girl, who never filled it with anything extra than her soft thoughts and feminine insight into the things and the people around.
Weeping on the couch, broken down, yet talking to her lover, inside her skull –
“Why did you do that? You said you love me. I did everything, you asked me to… I fought my father for you; That father, who built a tree house for me. I was his princess… And, what’s the fault of this forthcoming? Abortion is a murder, don’t you know baby? There is no greater sin than to end a gift of god, before its time. I know, you know this. Your mother, also, gave birth to you. Then, why do you want me to exercise God’s right, which doesn’t even belong to me. Are all those beautiful moments, we spent together, just fake? If you can’t listen to me, then for god’s sake, listen to this flesh of yours, whom you don’t want to give a chance to live. It will never get to see our faces. It will never get to know what could have been if it had a different fate. God gave me a womb, not to sag, but to carry a life, a human soul. Please forgive me, baby. But, I think, I can’t kill this life alone. If it has to be ended, then it must end with me. I love you.”
Some end this like she did; Some, by taking pills the doctor give them. And some get a dreadful ending in the clinic, laying in the cold, hard bed, having guilt while watching it’s getting torn out. Abortion has got so much common these days that we “men” think that “every woman should do this, but unfortunately not every woman gets one”. We want to make love, but at the same time, we don’t want to be a father. “Come on. It’s natural.”, these are our words.
Just think once, how much proud you are giving to your mother, by wrecking someone else’s right to be a mother. Think it everyday for the rest of your life. I’m sure, you’ll find your answer.
Stop being a selfish jerk, and start respecting the woman you love. In my view, even watching this hideous sin to happen, is a shame in itself. Folks, just listen to the voice of that unborn. Every unborn’s last words before you brutally end it, somehow, might be “Help me mamma, they are tearing me apart… there goes my tiny legs… there goes my tiny little heart… I love you mamma… I love you too daddy… Believe me I really do… And, I thought you loved me too !!”
This is something that I hope you’ll never do in your life. Why do you want to get burnt in God’s fire-pit? Remember, the God has a pan for all of us. He’ll surely take a tooth for a tooth. Don’t be such a savage. You’re not God…
Aaaahhhh…. Even, I got tears while conveying this message.
Stories keep drumming on my un-listening ears. I can’t understand what less did I give there. Was it my… my dearth of eye contact with ‘em or my… my… my shaky voice partly hanging back? I’m sure they must have some strong reason. But why did they ask me to wait until the last weekend? Is it possible that they might have blanked me out. Perhaps, I should wait… God, I can’t eat properly. I fear for the worst. I don’t know what to do. I’m getting insane. How come I get to know, those nameless reasons behind there forethought of wrecking my mother’s hopes of watching me stand on my feet.
I’m sitting here in my room, waiting for their call. I know they won’t call me. But, staying up all night and waiting, won’t hurt that much. That’s what I keep tellin’ myself !! I just keep exhibiting a fake smile on this soggy face, pretending its gonna be alright. I’m gonna be alright. lol yeah, Its gonna be…maybe. As I think of that day, my heart flips and twists and I feel as if I’m gonna fall. Possibly, because of my sleepless nights, the whole week. And, my mind has constantly remained stifled. My patience is, now, breaking up with my gazed eyes on the clock, minutes, hours passing ticking. My breath quickens, pouring out the soaked eyes. My favourite red colour, has now married with my eyes. It burns. It really really burns. I just need an answer. I just wanna get rid of this. My feet has sunken to the knees, in this….absence of limpidity of thoughts.
If one understands ‘patience’ completely and by ‘completely’, I mean one hundred percent, then he will get to the bottom of this muddle in my mind. No wonder, we all have heard and applied at some point of time, the quote “Everything comes to those who wait, if they wait with patience.” They say, it will come eventually, even though it may be late. Time is flying by, it’s here now and then it’s gone. After a minute, an hour departs, then a day, then a week and then.. I just can’t figure out things right now. Unless we hope, how can we say ‘God bless !!’. Every book in the praise of God, has mentioned the almighty’s dates with patience.
So, does it mean, I should keep patience for a little more? Or should I simply move on? History teaches us, who awaits the best, gets the best. But, aren’t we living in a more different era? I think I have decided. I’m not gonna wait anymore. I’m going straight to my mother, to admit before her that “Its not gonna happen. So put an end to your hopes, Mother!!” Yes. Yes. This is right. I should do that.
“Mom.. I wanna tell you something.”
“Before that, savour this dish, I cooked for you. It’s your favourite. This will give you more strength and spirit to stay hopeful.”
That spoon full of the utterly delicious food, my mom was holding between her fingers, was no less than the doorway to hopefulness. I hugged her. She wiped my tears, even before they find a way to come out.
“I love you Mom, that’s all I wanted to tell you.”
“I love you too beta. Always remember that just because something isn’t happening for you right now, doesn’t mean that it will never happen. Have patience with all the things, but first of all with yourself. It might take an year or a day, but what’s meant to be yours, will always find a way, my Son.”
Though, I’ve read those quotes for countless times, yet I never got their essence, until I heard them from my mother’s mouth. Seriously, with love and patience, nothing is impossible.
Last Sunday was “clean your room” day for me. It might be a fun day, for others. But, I had to play what’s more important than that “fun” instrument. Nevertheless, I tried my best to summon up the joviality while scrubbing my reading table, sponging mud from the floor mats, and wiping down the stains from the woody painted walls, which were invariably there in front of my eyes, but I never got enough audacity to cleanse them.
It’s really easy, you know, to give attention to the things and the people, we come into contact with, each day of our life. But, its just our inertia or bailiwicks, which hold us back from doing so. Take an example of those inanimate books, we have, in our bookcases for don’t know how many years. They are lifeless, but embrace the souls of numerous fictional, non fictional characters in them. We open them, read them, shut them, and park them back to their dwellings. We omit to notice the dust and bugs that has gathered on the top of those books, which we once bought with so much excitement. As the books grow old, they need special care, as their binding may flake off and brittle pages may tear. So, don’t just buy them to read and dump, but also take a proper care of them. And if you can’t, give them to someone who can. That’s the reason, I never scrapped any book, which I bought since I got my wisdom of how wonderful companions the books could be. By the way, that wisdom came before my teenage started… 😉
Well, I cleaned pretty much stuff that day. Meanwhile, I started shuffling some old picture albums, which I found from my cupboard. But my eyes got fastened when I stepped into an old photograph – A kid, holding his father’s little finger, on a sea shore, watching the sun’s return to its home. I really loved the photograph, not just for how beautiful the sea and the sunset was, but for the reason the kid in the picture was me. I smiled and took a deep breathe. Then, I took that picture out of those transparent sheets of the album, in which it was mounted many years ago and, has never been took out since then, not even once. I, somehow, managed doing that without marring the original quality of the snap. After staring a while with soggy eyes, and swimming in those foggy memories of past, I put them back to its safer place.
Really, life’s speedometer is faster than any vehicle, the man has made. We never know, when our present will turn into just a memory. So, cleanse the stains from your one and half kg brain. And create the ambience of it, for a better you. Give this life your best captured photograph, no matter you get appreciation in return or a kick onto your teeth. And, while doing that, do it with an upward curve on your face. Because, you won’t like your sad emoticon while shuffling memories of your past..
Love you all !! After a very very long pause, writing something.. 🙂 I deserve appreciation. Don’t do I? 😉