“Well well well, now you can text me an emoticon with an upward curve, not that usual doleful one. You don’t even need to read it full. The title depicts the whole story. Yes !! Finally I encountered Ms. Sleep.”
Life mein kuch bhi ho sakta hai… You know, its my favourite mantra. It’s always been. I feel some reinvigoration. Don’t run after your dictionary darling. The word is derived from Vigor. Remember, the gym in our neighbourhood named “Vigorous”? Yeah, exactly that one. In a short note, I’m filled with some kinda delightful energy… some kinda equanimity. No no, its not because I had those adventure sports in Corbett last week. They happened because of this… this whole “new” consciousness, I’m talking about.
I’m really glad that somehow you managed to sterilise the poisonous thoughts that everyone, including you at a point, had about me. You really believed that there’s single percent of possibility that life can take a nice turn. Don’t ask me, because I already had packed and shipped my belongings. I lost the “hopeful” part in those benign winters, where everyone was hoping good and gaining better. I was on the track where even signboards were so depressing, that the whole journey seemed shitty.
But, you know what, I did it. What? Yeah, a collage of my efforts, your hopes, some prayers… And see? Here I am, fulfilling the promise I made to you after my last blog post. I didn’t write anything since then. I didn’t have any single hope that the miraculous things can actually happen. I watch the Originals tv series, where Klaus named his daughter after a feeling which he had lost a long ago – “Hope”. Unpredictability and Threats were all he had. But then came Hope, with a light in her eyes, curing all the lesions of his eternal life.
Yes, I do care about my life now, in the “hope” of doing something worthwhile from it. I try to get a sleep now, in the “hope” of waking up fresh. Everybody is happy in my circumambient. Those who always have envied me, I don’t really care about what they think now. As long as I carry this “hope”, nothing can mar my feeling of contented. Yes, I feel warm and gratified. Even I give a contented little smile now, unlike the fake big smile of yesterday. For tomorrow, of course I foresee a beautiful and lovely morning everyday with my loved ones. But I don’t worry about it. Struggles are many now, but they don’t feel depressing like the ones before. All because, I have actually encountered sleep now.
You told me to believe upon something I had lost long ago ! You asked me to set myself free from all despair ! And I haven’t obliterated that it was only you who told me to take a break, go out, explore and live on my own terms ! You told me that the path might sound unfamiliar right now, but its the path written for me. WTF !! You know what? I literally believed on every single word you said, until of course the downfall of my last living emotion.
I’m so lost now. I’ve caught myself in so fucked up situation that I don’t see any hope to bring me back. Yes !! I don’t know how, but somehow, my emotional switch has been turned off. I don’t even feel like trying to turn it on. I mean, why is it necessary to do that? Is it really worth trying? I have no one to talk, to share, to think of. Even, I slapped on the face of my conscience so hard that its dent will never make me forget it.
In a room full of loneliness, all I can hear is the click-clack of the red wall clock. Funny thing is, with every second passing by, the vacuum inside my feelings gets deeper and stronger. I feel nothing. I feel trapped in my own unsolvable puzzles. My mother asks me to pray to Gods. She believes her Gods always sort out the troubles. On the contrary, I believe that they have nothing to do with our lives. They created us and then left us on our own. And if I’m wrong, then you tell me, how many times I have been deceived by her so called God. Every time I lace up my shoes, my feet get paralytic. Every time I prepare myself for a journey, I get lost. Every time I am ready to fight it back with gloves of optimism, all I can enfold are the remains of pessimism.
My mind is debilitated by all little tricks I am playing with it. I try to convince it with how beautiful the next morning would be, how relaxing the tonight is with so many glittery stars welcoming my valour, how many melodious songs the river is playing. I am so good at playing those tricks, that I create a figment of the imagination in front of myself. A mirage, if properly spelled out. A moment I feel its real. Poof ! It’s gone.
The waving of grass. The songs of river. The twinkling of stars. All are just hallucination. I know, nothin’ gonna be alright, no matter what.
Of all the colours in the world, God has picked pale blue for me. Cold, forlorn blue. But then, I look into the sky, with the same colour lacking zeal, just to burst out anything which my blankly inscrutable heart might wanna express. But nothing comes out with. Not even a single mark on my face, questioning God’s entire play. I want to disprove my very own existence. But I can’t. I am completely deadpan.
Maybe, the grass isn’t as refulgent as it looks. Maybe, the stars aren’t as shiny as they appear to be. Maybe, the river isn’t flowing the right way. Maybe, the night isn’t as relaxing as it sounds. With all downhearted thoughts in my head, I wish to give up. If I can’t feel any emotion, then I’m sure pain won’t be a hurdle for death. Lying on the bed with my head resting upon my favourite pillow, while writing this blog, having a small 20ml. bottle of pristine poison in my shirt’s pocket, I’m all prepared to end this. Any death wish? Yeah, I have. I just wanna wake up once before I never wake up. I just wanna sleep peacefully once before I get to sleep in deep slumber. I wanna give this load away from my heart. I wanna die with an upward curve on my face. Not like this emotionless face. Come on. I wanna
Woke up 10 mins ago. Don’t know how I fell asleep in a noisy afternoon. Mom woke me up. It might be her, putting away my laptop from my tummy, while I was asleep. I didn’t have any blanket over me. She covered me with one, while I was having my last but one sleep. Her eyes feel something for me. They see her son lying hopelessly, having accepted his defeat. I know what she must be feeling. I didn’t mean to hurt her. The poison bottle is there intact in my pocket. She didn’t take it away. I don’t even know whether she saw it or not. Why the hell, this life is so miserable. Why can’t I feel anything? Isn’t it worth trying once more? For whom? I don’t know. Maybe, for my mom. She…..deserves happiness, doesn’t she? Can I do something now that may undo the past things? Can I feel something again? What if all the painful feelings which I turned off, come back? I haven’t listened to my own voice since so long. What should I do with the bottle which I’m rolling among my fingers? Should I keep it away. Maybe for near future. Maybe, I will need it some day soon. Maybe….. never. I guess, this blue life is worth giving one more shot. What happens, lets see !!