Once, on this tiled floor, I fell out over silly things like getting a way for my new tractor-trolly which my father bought me the other day, after I was being obdurate. Gosh ! I loved that red tractor. I loved all the toys which I got at some point. I loved the crayons and the geometry-boxes. I had a great collection of disney stickers, I didn’t even use, and kept as it is. I didn’t know how to fly a kite, yet I used to buy ‘em every spring. I used to draw, paint things… anything from a fish to a whole landscape. Even though nobody appreciated my drawings and paintings. They thought it’s a waste of time and efforts. “Do you wanna be a painter? Really? Paint the houses, doors, sidewalk, the ramp over the sewage?” They used to chuckle at the astonishment on my face. It was not a profession in the era of Doctors, Engineers, Lawyers or… Doctors. Don’t worry, I didn’t type it twice actually. The doctoring was considered the best of all. Their mentality was confined to that. For those whose fate was chained to the counter of their father’s shop, no matter how small it was, were not allowed to dream big. Dreams like- going out for studies, living in hostels, and doing your favourite courses. They had to sit at their father’s shop sooner or later, no matter they drastically lacked interest in that. I was one of them.
I write, not much like I used to. But yeah, still I’m in touch with pen and paper. I remember, I could complete that poetic work of mine, consisting of something impossible to think of, at least by 12 years old kid. The words, the rhythms, the verses, the metaphors. They were outstanding. I could be one of the youngest modern literature writer. Even today, I can’t beat that kind of compositions. But the destiny of my writing vanished into thin air, when my siblings called it something worthless, just like they disdained my love for artistic works. That poetic work of mine, got terminated and remained unfinished since then.
What a fate, I was born with. I mean, fantastic sketching at the age of 9, terrific painting at the age of 10 and excellent writing skills at the age of 12. But all lacked one thing – Support from my near and dears. What do you expect from a kid who hasn’t even stepped into teenage? He can’t persist with something unless his elders support him and not disparage his work, no matter how inferior it sounds to them. At least, the kid is happy doing that work. You never know, tomorrow he may fetch more esteem and prosperity by what he loves to do. Sadly, my family didn’t understand it, until I passed my adolescence and taught them so.
As I mentioned before, my fate was handcuffed to the counter of my father’s shop, I never saw the dream of flying like an eagle and settled with what the average youngsters used to pursue. Although, a very distinct part of my inner-self was continuously begging me stop faking smiles and hunt for a real one. But I didn’t, until one day when my family itself asked me to go out and explore the world. They handed me with the application form of something, I never heard of before. Holding that form with few other classmates, I stepped out of my range of vision. They were happy… my family… neighbours… and somehow, they thought I would be happy too. Do you really think, you can force someone to dream the vision of yours, which is another form of disinterest and impassivity for him? You’ve got your answer, I guess.
Still, you can be either optimistic or pessimistic. And being an optimist, I tried to hunt that somehow repaired smile in those years of endless struggle. But my life frowned as it rewrote that fate of mine. Ended with a charming degree in my hands, which I didn’t even receive ceremonially, because I lacked excitement in that. And then, the real chapter of life begins – The empirical and monetary world. Expectations rose for my degree to go into the field and start printing currencies. And that is exactly what didn’t happen. Lost in the battles of facing the world, yet I stood still. Eyes shedded tears, yet my calmness overcame the restlessness. Every morning I woke up with my eyes wide open. Every day I went out with a winning mask and came back with a defeated face. I knew, the dreams I used to shelter, had long gone. So, whatever I had in my grasp, I had to live with. Nobody’s gonna wipe my tears out. Friends, Family, Girlfriend, they’re all means of a reminder that nothing’s gonna change now. I had to live with that. They kept on boosting me up for giving my next best shot.
They confused me with my contemporary situation with the one I was bound with. If they hadn’t made me dream their own vision, then I must have settled at my father’s shop and in that case, I wouldn’t even be writing this thing right now. And If I was allowed to work on my own dreams, then I could be someone far far beyond their imagination, because their imaginations are limited to their surroundings’ happenings. But neither happened.
Sometimes… most of the times… I do follow their instructions, at least for their satisfaction. They wished to see me like a common man earning adequate sum of money, surrounded by the known people of a locality, who commutes to his office everyday with a mind-map of how to please his boss, who is allowed to dream but not big enough, who can afford cars but not Aukaat ke bahar, who is married and blessed with beautiful kids for whom he brings gifts of about same amount every weekend, who spend his holidays at Shimla and not at Vienna, who is filled with that feeling of ‘commonness’ and who is known by a very very limited folks.
But who am I from inside? A happy, good-humoured person? NO !! I never wanted to be a Common man. I literally had a diary which I called “dream book”. I wished to have so many things. I wished to have everything. But nothing came in my hands, but blues. I wished to conquer the world.. But, couldn’t even conquer my own emotions. I wanted to spread smiles like they’re herpes. And look at me, my steps are followed by dolorous. The guy, who could be an inspiration, an ideal for of billions for millennium… settled to be a……. nothing !!!
“You have said such a moronic thing, that can’t be unheard now. Are you out of your freaking mind? Seriously, you should think, a hundred times, before blasting off such things. You could have shot me with anything, but these words. Don’t you know that your words were more harmful than a bullet? A bullet can just…”
“Don’t cut me, you mindless nerd !!”
“But… seriously, you can’t remember because that night, you got really blotto and it was very freezing outside.”
“Silly ! I don’t drink that much to Cut off my own nose to spite this face, got it? Now, you listen to me very carefully. I don’t know any single word you said. I want you to just get rid of that thing or cut me loose.”
“Baby, I can’t leave you, in my dreams even. Okay, we’ll go and find a doctor tomorrow.”
“Not we. It’s just you alone! Call me, once you get cleared of that plague, you’re carrying. Good bye and good luck…”
Here I am getting goosebumps, just by envisioning the agony of that girl, whom her love of life, just asked to end her hopes to have a little one, born in her own womb. A silent tear rolls out my face, in this heaviness of heart. I’m sure, any sensible person can feel this. It’s not the case of any remote girl, but it’s something happening in every 3rd chamber, around the world. We cease to give thought to the feelings of that girl. Rather, we try to form opinions about her. Seriously, “that’s us”. Okay, let me tell you something about what must be cropping up in the brain of that innocent girl, who never filled it with anything extra than her soft thoughts and feminine insight into the things and the people around.
Weeping on the couch, broken down, yet talking to her lover, inside her skull –
“Why did you do that? You said you love me. I did everything, you asked me to… I fought my father for you; That father, who built a tree house for me. I was his princess… And, what’s the fault of this forthcoming? Abortion is a murder, don’t you know baby? There is no greater sin than to end a gift of god, before its time. I know, you know this. Your mother, also, gave birth to you. Then, why do you want me to exercise God’s right, which doesn’t even belong to me. Are all those beautiful moments, we spent together, just fake? If you can’t listen to me, then for god’s sake, listen to this flesh of yours, whom you don’t want to give a chance to live. It will never get to see our faces. It will never get to know what could have been if it had a different fate. God gave me a womb, not to sag, but to carry a life, a human soul. Please forgive me, baby. But, I think, I can’t kill this life alone. If it has to be ended, then it must end with me. I love you.”
Some end this like she did; Some, by taking pills the doctor give them. And some get a dreadful ending in the clinic, laying in the cold, hard bed, having guilt while watching it’s getting torn out. Abortion has got so much common these days that we “men” think that “every woman should do this, but unfortunately not every woman gets one”. We want to make love, but at the same time, we don’t want to be a father. “Come on. It’s natural.”, these are our words.
Just think once, how much proud you are giving to your mother, by wrecking someone else’s right to be a mother. Think it everyday for the rest of your life. I’m sure, you’ll find your answer.
Stop being a selfish jerk, and start respecting the woman you love. In my view, even watching this hideous sin to happen, is a shame in itself. Folks, just listen to the voice of that unborn. Every unborn’s last words before you brutally end it, somehow, might be “Help me mamma, they are tearing me apart… there goes my tiny legs… there goes my tiny little heart… I love you mamma… I love you too daddy… Believe me I really do… And, I thought you loved me too !!”
This is something that I hope you’ll never do in your life. Why do you want to get burnt in God’s fire-pit? Remember, the God has a pan for all of us. He’ll surely take a tooth for a tooth. Don’t be such a savage. You’re not God…
Aaaahhhh…. Even, I got tears while conveying this message.
Stories keep drumming on my un-listening ears. I can’t understand what less did I give there. Was it my… my dearth of eye contact with ‘em or my… my… my shaky voice partly hanging back? I’m sure they must have some strong reason. But why did they ask me to wait until the last weekend? Is it possible that they might have blanked me out. Perhaps, I should wait… God, I can’t eat properly. I fear for the worst. I don’t know what to do. I’m getting insane. How come I get to know, those nameless reasons behind there forethought of wrecking my mother’s hopes of watching me stand on my feet.
I’m sitting here in my room, waiting for their call. I know they won’t call me. But, staying up all night and waiting, won’t hurt that much. That’s what I keep tellin’ myself !! I just keep exhibiting a fake smile on this soggy face, pretending its gonna be alright. I’m gonna be alright. lol yeah, Its gonna be…maybe. As I think of that day, my heart flips and twists and I feel as if I’m gonna fall. Possibly, because of my sleepless nights, the whole week. And, my mind has constantly remained stifled. My patience is, now, breaking up with my gazed eyes on the clock, minutes, hours passing ticking. My breath quickens, pouring out the soaked eyes. My favourite red colour, has now married with my eyes. It burns. It really really burns. I just need an answer. I just wanna get rid of this. My feet has sunken to the knees, in this….absence of limpidity of thoughts.
If one understands ‘patience’ completely and by ‘completely’, I mean one hundred percent, then he will get to the bottom of this muddle in my mind. No wonder, we all have heard and applied at some point of time, the quote “Everything comes to those who wait, if they wait with patience.” They say, it will come eventually, even though it may be late. Time is flying by, it’s here now and then it’s gone. After a minute, an hour departs, then a day, then a week and then.. I just can’t figure out things right now. Unless we hope, how can we say ‘God bless !!’. Every book in the praise of God, has mentioned the almighty’s dates with patience.
So, does it mean, I should keep patience for a little more? Or should I simply move on? History teaches us, who awaits the best, gets the best. But, aren’t we living in a more different era? I think I have decided. I’m not gonna wait anymore. I’m going straight to my mother, to admit before her that “Its not gonna happen. So put an end to your hopes, Mother!!” Yes. Yes. This is right. I should do that.
“Mom.. I wanna tell you something.”
“Before that, savour this dish, I cooked for you. It’s your favourite. This will give you more strength and spirit to stay hopeful.”
That spoon full of the utterly delicious food, my mom was holding between her fingers, was no less than the doorway to hopefulness. I hugged her. She wiped my tears, even before they find a way to come out.
“I love you Mom, that’s all I wanted to tell you.”
“I love you too beta. Always remember that just because something isn’t happening for you right now, doesn’t mean that it will never happen. Have patience with all the things, but first of all with yourself. It might take an year or a day, but what’s meant to be yours, will always find a way, my Son.”
Though, I’ve read those quotes for countless times, yet I never got their essence, until I heard them from my mother’s mouth. Seriously, with love and patience, nothing is impossible.