“Well well well, now you can text me an emoticon with an upward curve, not that usual doleful one. You don’t even need to read it full. The title depicts the whole story. Yes !! Finally I encountered Ms. Sleep.”
Life mein kuch bhi ho sakta hai… You know, its my favourite mantra. It’s always been. I feel some reinvigoration. Don’t run after your dictionary darling. The word is derived from Vigor. Remember, the gym in our neighbourhood named “Vigorous”? Yeah, exactly that one. In a short note, I’m filled with some kinda delightful energy… some kinda equanimity. No no, its not because I had those adventure sports in Corbett last week. They happened because of this… this whole “new” consciousness, I’m talking about.
I’m really glad that somehow you managed to sterilise the poisonous thoughts that everyone, including you at a point, had about me. You really believed that there’s single percent of possibility that life can take a nice turn. Don’t ask me, because I already had packed and shipped my belongings. I lost the “hopeful” part in those benign winters, where everyone was hoping good and gaining better. I was on the track where even signboards were so depressing, that the whole journey seemed shitty.
But, you know what, I did it. What? Yeah, a collage of my efforts, your hopes, some prayers… And see? Here I am, fulfilling the promise I made to you after my last blog post. I didn’t write anything since then. I didn’t have any single hope that the miraculous things can actually happen. I watch the Originals tv series, where Klaus named his daughter after a feeling which he had lost a long ago – “Hope”. Unpredictability and Threats were all he had. But then came Hope, with a light in her eyes, curing all the lesions of his eternal life.
Yes, I do care about my life now, in the “hope” of doing something worthwhile from it. I try to get a sleep now, in the “hope” of waking up fresh. Everybody is happy in my circumambient. Those who always have envied me, I don’t really care about what they think now. As long as I carry this “hope”, nothing can mar my feeling of contented. Yes, I feel warm and gratified. Even I give a contented little smile now, unlike the fake big smile of yesterday. For tomorrow, of course I foresee a beautiful and lovely morning everyday with my loved ones. But I don’t worry about it. Struggles are many now, but they don’t feel depressing like the ones before. All because, I have actually encountered sleep now.
I know my fingers have been taking an unreasonably longer nap since past couple of weeks. Even I didn’t feel exigency to intervene in their slumber, until this morning. Three rugged, important years I just passed through with a certitude that even though the path seems a bit hellish to walk on, yet I have the benevolent and conscientious people beside me who will never let me down. But now it seems they are no longer my amigos. The hell with them, I don’t care if their feelings transformed and went into some kinda meander. But I do really care for the feelings of those whom I am related to the same blood. Yes I’m talking about my parents.
This early morning, I faintly sensed my dad gently touching my forehead, while I was asleep. I expressed surprise, yet glad I was within. With curiousness, my lips murmured in an almost inaudible voice, “Dad, is this you?” No answer came, for I thought my utterance didn’t reach his ears. I smiled and this time, with a little higher pitch, I said, “I know its you dad. I love you.” Slightly I opened my eyes and that dream vanished as if it was waiting to be scooted off. A silent tear rolled out of my foggy eyes. It’s been a long time, since my father even talked to me. He thinks I’m no longer a matter of proud, like I was before. I know it’s quite thorny to answer folks when they ask about his son’s work or his achievements lately, which are none. The nearly same worries might occur in mom’s head when she sits with the neighbour ladies on a sunny afternoon, who know nothing but bringing down others with their harsh yet unavoidable questions. Despite that, at least she talks to me without conferring on me her ignominy. I can read her face full of conundrums.
I have failed in a lot of things in my life, except one thing. I didn’t stop living. It’s really painful for me to control my eyes from shedding tears when sometimes from the closed door, I listen to my parents talking in my absence. They often talk about their agony of having a son like me. I know they love me and that I will believe always. But, they are getting hurt by my failures. Sometimes, I give a thought to suicide. I even gave it a try by sitting on the tracks hoping for a train to squash me. But then my father’s prestige comes to my mind. My suicide can bring his whole image down to soil; so I can never do that.
My sisters, on the other hand, are too busy with their maternalistic lives that they don’t even give a damn about what’s happening in their younger brother’s life. I remember my mom used to say that an elder sister is like a good friend, and more precisely a mother in herself. But, both of my sisters failed to fit in any of these definitions. Still, I respect them. Rather than staying in touch with them and giving them stronger reasons to make a place in my bad books, I ended contact with them and kept them in my memory bank as my genuinely loveable sisters of childhood.
Sometimes, I hope for a mishap with me, resulting in either a permanent departure or a state of mind which can’t feel anything. I think that might give me a favour by making a space for me in the hearts of all my near and dears. That might give them some understanding that all I wanted in my life was their love and care.
I am drowning in my endless thoughts. I know it’s so hard to escape now. I am burdened today and I was burdened yesterday. Even in the recent past, when I fell down of stairs, I rather opted to stay quiet, clutching the lips between my teeth and to sit there a while, pressing, rubbing and covering the knee wounds, than calling some one for help. I know what wounds are hard to live with. I know if I had called for help, they would have brought handful of band-aids and a lot of humiliations, which I can’t bear anymore. For the sake of endearment, If you can’t help me stand on my feet, then don’t push me back.
Speaking in all sincerity, I badly want to live more. Toh kya hua, if I had seen more failures than the applauds. Life is allotted to every person just once. I do wanna live it more. I do wanna give it my best shot. I wanna hear those applauds. I just want their support. Nothing more. I will do something great someday. I wanna kiss that contentment, happening after I do that. I’m grateful to my dear lord for this life. I will make it happier by my own karma. I am here to spread love, which I think, I am pretty much good at. And rahi baat failures ki… I will surely win. Not today, but soon enough. At least, I’m not aimless like most of the folks. I have a soul which burns, desires, works and is worthy to achieve success. The time is not with me today. But tomorrow, it will be in motion on the rolex on my wrist. I may not be a good son so far, if the world thinks so, but I will be an idol for millions soon. All this can happen, if I don’t give up living. So…… I will live. A life inspiring optimism for the future. And, a Life full of gratification.
See you soon.. My fingers have roused from a deep sleep. 😉